23rd Nov 2014, 5:13 AM in The Rite of Serfdom

Flute looting

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Flute looting
Kangra: They put you in jail for that? I'd think there wouldn't be enough space for all whoppernappers! / [[Clydesdale speaks off-panel]] / Clydesdale: Well, no...
Clydesdale: Actually, we took it to the previous owners, the Elven Clan of the Earth, and got a medal!
[[Kangra speaks off-panel]] / Kangra: When you say "Got"... / Clydesdale: Well... Technically... Oh, all right. "Stole".
Bonfire hands Clydesdale a whistle. / Bonfire: Stingy bastards wouldn't pay us. / Clydesdale: ...and we had just hired a bard to write up our adventures. Thanks luv.
Kangra: Come to think of it, I have heard a song about you two! But it's not very flattering! / Bonfire: Yeah...
Bonfire: Well, that bard got a bit stroppy after his favorite silver fife disappeared. **)
{{*)Whoppernapping is in fact considered more of a sport than a proper theft. Similar to students stealing landmarks as a prank, although in this case the pranksters are often quite elderly and sober.}}
{{**)At their trial for Theft of a Musical Instrument from a Musician, Bonfire and Clydesdale escaped the customary sentence of being slowly roasted to death ***) by plea-bargaining; they accepted ten years in jail for a number of trivial thefts in exchange for the charge of Musical Instrument theft being dropped. This also meant that they didn't have to give up the fife itself, although their home at the time was searched several times in case it accidentally turned up there. They did not have it on their persons during their trial, and it also wasn't found when they were brought back to the Dyrtforrabyggern to start doing their time, so the fact that they have it now must have something to do with being in the company of a faerie who enjoys smuggling.
The song, incidentally, starts like this:
/ Hey Mr. Bonfire, I'm gonna kick your head. / I'll pound you in the noggin 'till you wish that you were dead. / I'll skin your hide and tan it for a medical display / Except those big old ears of you, for these I'll throw away.
Hey, lady Clydesdale, you fat and stupid cow. / I'll put you in a grinder, and feed you to the sows...
/ and goes on for another thirty verses, each more imaginative and gruesome than the last. It was a minor hit for the bard.}}
{{***) When the Constitution of the Gnomian Republic was drafted, the Founders insisted that a provision be made against cruel and unusual punishments, but were persuaded to add in "except in the case of cruel and unusual crime". As a result, while most of the Republic's criminal justice system is very mild, the penalty for flooding the Crystal Ball Network with unwanted advertising is being pushed head first into a wasps' nest.}}
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Author Notes:

Reinder Dijkhuis 23rd Nov 2014, 5:13 AM edit delete
Reinder Dijkhuis
*)Whoppernapping is in fact considered more of a sport than a proper theft. Similar to students stealing landmarks as a prank, although in this case the pranksters are often quite elderly and sober.
**)At their trial for Theft of a Musical Instrument from a Musician, Bonfire and Clydesdale escaped the customary sentence of being slowly roasted to death ***) by plea-bargaining; they accepted ten years in jail for a number of trivial thefts in exchange for the charge of Musical Instrument theft being dropped. This also meant that they didn't have to give up the fife itself, although their home at the time was searched several times in case it accidentally turned up there. They did not have it on their persons during their trial, and it also wasn't found when they were brought back to the Dyrtforrabyggern to start doing their time, so the fact that they have it now must have something to do with being in the company of a faerie who enjoys smuggling.

The song, incidentally, starts like this:

Hey Mr. Bonfire, I'm gonna kick your head.
I'll pound you in the noggin 'till you wish that you were dead.
I'll skin your hide and tan it for a medical display
Except those big old ears of you, for these I'll throw away.

Hey, lady Clydesdale, you fat and stupid cow.
I'll put you in a grinder, and feed you to the sows...


and goes on for another thirty verses, each more imaginative and gruesome than the last. It was a minor hit for the bard.
***) When the Constitution of the Gnomian Republic was drafted, the Founders insisted that a provision be made against cruel and unusual punishments, but were persuaded to add in "except in the case of cruel and unusual crime". As a result, while most of the Republic's criminal justice system is very mild, the penalty for flooding the Crystal Ball Network with unwanted advertising is being pushed head first into a wasps' nest.

Originally published on October 13, 2003.